it has been a long couple of months. i feel like it’s only when i’m leaving a place that things begin to move & change rapidly. i fear that i will miss some of the greatest memories here in san francisco, while i will be making them in my hometown with people who’ve known me my entire life.
i suppose that last part is what holds me back from being the most excited person returning home. here, i can be whatever & whoever i prefer, because my new reality is one i’ve constructed for myself. yet, at home, i have a part to play, a role to fulfill that will hurt loved ones if i don’t stick to it.
what i’m saying is: i should have been an actress. at least this way i could differentiate between the world & the stage & tell people i’m not going to fake tears or laugh hard when i don’t want to. performance should only cross over into the real world when you get a gift you don’t really love, but the person who bought it for you seemed really excited for you to open it; or for when your boss makes you want to curl up in a ball & cry, but you’re a professional, so you slap on a happy face & go back to work.
but then we end up returning the gift, or crying in the bathroom, so damage is still done.
i guess what i’m really trying to say is that being a human is already hard enough. what, with heartbreak, illness & broken things. let’s not put any expectations on each other that make being human even more impossible. let people be who they prefer to be, let them like what they want to like, & do the best you can do to better yourself.