i suppose there’s no real point in calling it a season when you’ve practically been single your entire adult life…
high school relationships aren’t things that really count in the sense of true romance-unless, and i’m reluctantly giving this one to ya, you’re one of the lucky few to find a high school sweetheart — so i’m officially discrediting my one boyfriend i’ve had in my life…
not that he really gets any credit at this point… (um, younger me: what were you thinking???)
so, the point of this post is not to bash my ex-boyfriend or my ex-somethings, or to even talk about their failures, because we’re all young at one point and jeez we are all human and make mistakes and screw up from time to time. no, this blog is about me, and the fact that though i’ve been single for — well, let’s just say a long time — i haven’t given myself the chance to be alone. to find comfort in being single, and to learn to love myself as a entire person, not as a part of a whole.
i’ve been thinking about it a lot recently, and i realized that I hate having alone time with myself. you know, the sit in a quiet room and get to know my inner thoughts and workings? that’s not something i’m comfortable doing.
i distract myself with social media (i recently deleted my tumblr app, and holy cow somehow so much of my time freed up suddenly), and television. i downloaded useless apps on my phone that keep me on it basically 24/7. heck, i’ve procrastinated writing just this short amount of writing to: scroll through twitter, play three different games, check my empty emails, and text two people who could have waited for like twenty minutes to hear a response from me. all because i didn’t want to admit to myself that i don’t like being alone.
finally.
they say the hardest part is admitting you have a problem.
but i think the steps that come after that are also equally as hard, and even more important. because fixing the problem is a long journey.
for those who don’t know, i recently accepted a job in san fransisco, which is two thousand miles away from where i’ve lived my entire life. this move is going to force me to leave my friends and family (along with everything i know) and i have a feeling that it’s going to be a good time for a new beginning, and a lot of alone time.
let’s see how this goes.